[♪♪♪]
Is this a formal wedding?
Not that it matters. You're not invited.
Well, I might wanna break in and stop the thing.
I don't wanna be underdressed.
Are you fucking serious?
Dude, it's a really long drive,
and you know I'm an alcoholic.
Loudermilk abandoned this group to go to a wedding?
Hey, Father Mike.
Don't bother coming back here.
[PHONE BEEPS]
I want you to keep an eye on him,
yeah?Dude, he's a grown-ass man.
Ben?
Ben, you gotta do me a favor, all right?
I need you to talk to Memphis.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, Memphis.
[♪♪♪]
FATHER MICHAEL: Can I have everyone's attention, please?
I'm sorry to report
that Loudermilk is no longer your group leader.
Is he okay?Well, define "okay".
Is he alive?
Yes, but once again,
he's put his own selfish needs ahead of this group's.
But that's what he always does. He says that's how it works.
Him first, then us.
It's like putting on your oxygen mask
before putting on the kid's in a plane crash.
He should've been teaching you to put on your own oxygen masks.
You're not children. You're men.
And as of today, you will be treated as such.
So please welcome Garret Mason-Burke.
Great evening, everybrainy.
That's right. I'm not gonna be talking to your bodies.
I'm gonna be talking to your brains.
FATHER MICHAEL: Garret is a Sober Friends instructor
and also a, uh, part-time trainer for therapy cats.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, stop blowing my horn, Father.
You know, despite all my accomplishments,
I'm still just a guy...
who wants to help people.
FATHER MICHAEL: And we're lucky to have him.
So take it away, Garret.Thank you, Father. Thank you.
Wow. Look at you all.
What the hell's a therapy cat?
That's a great question.
It's for people who need
a little more love in their lives
than their loved ones are giving them.
I like to call it e-meow-tional support,
and I think I have a friend for you.
ROGER: So Garret.GARRET: Yes.
What were you addicted to?
Booze? Drugs?
Candy?
[LAUGHS] Well, I do like a little candy.
[TRILLS, THEN LAUGHS]Ha.
No, uh, I really didn't touch any of that stuff.
You know, anything that I need is already in me.
Wait, wait, wait. What the fuck is he talking about?
Uh, ha, ha. How would you know what we're going through
if you never experienced it?
Training. Plus I have read
everything there is to know about addiction.
So you've read Permanent Midnight
by Jerry Stahl?
Not the book, no. No.
But you've watched
the movie version with Ben Stiller?
Is that the one that takes place in a scary museum?
It is if you can imagine Sacagawea
blowing cocaine up Teddy Roosevelt's asshole.
Oh, ha.
It's like thinking you're gonna
become some great football player
just by watching the game on telly.
Okay, but I have no interest in playing the game.
I just wanna coach it.
Does it matter whether Bill Belichick
ever played the game?
Yeah, it does, and he did at Wesleyan.
Oh, he did. Wesleyan. Wow, okay. I didn't know that.
Okay, let me put it to you another way.
A doctor doesn't have to have cancer
in order to be a cancer doctor.
Furthermore, why would you want
a cancer doctor who had cancer?
He'd be riddled with-with...
stuff from the chemo.
He'd be all beat up.
Guys, think of me
as your healthy addiction counselor.
One who had enough integrity not to mess up
his life and screw everyone around him.
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGING]
BEN [ON VOICEMAIL]: Hello. This is Ben.
[LAUGHING] Leave a message, and I'll get back to you, okay?
[PHONE BEEPS]I thought you changed
your fucking stupid-ass message.
All right. Where the hell are you?
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
Because I need to know what's going on with Memphis.
Could you, uh...?
You know, if you get a second, and you're not too busy...
could you fucking call me back!
[MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[SIGHS] It's Loudermilk.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hey.
Yeah, where the hell have you been?
Um, getting ice.
Oh, yeah, likely story, huh?
Dude, what the hell?
Chill out. You're acting like a psycho.
How am I supposed to act, okay?
My ex-wife is somewhere getting married.
My best friend and sponsor
is fucking off the wagon and missing.
Well, go out and find him.
Well, I would, but what happens if I go,
and he comes back. And I'm gone?
And then I come back, and he's gone?
And now it's fucking Abbott and Costello up here.
You're afraid.What?
Yeah, you're afraid to go out there
because you don't think you can do it and stay sober.
Bullshit.
See that? See the four?
That's a four-year chip. I'm sober four years.
Why would I be afraid?
Because we're in New Orleans...
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]...and it's Mardi Gras.
[SIGHS] God, I can't go out there.
Okay, fine. I'll go out and get him.
No, no. You're even more raw than I am.
No, I'm not.
This whole ex-wife thing
has set you back to day one.
You don't have to do this for me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing this to get the fuck away from you.
Okay. I can live with that.
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
♪ I only want you For your money♪
♪ So treat me Like I'm solid gold♪
Hey, w-where do you get these?
Just flash your titties!
Like this?
[SCREAMS]
Or you can just buy them over there.
What? You promised me
No.that you were gonna tell him.
No, I did not promise you.You promised me.
No, sweetie, I didn't promise you
that I would tell him.
I said that I should.
And then I thought, "Why now?"
He's gonna find out eventually, Memphis.
I don't need that stress right before my wedding.
Damn it, Ben! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.
So who the fuck does he think that I'm marrying?
Emeril.Emeril Lagasse?
Emeril somebody. I don't know. I kept it vague.
I can't believe this.
I knew I should have told him myself.
[SCOFFS] Well, lucky you, you're gonna have that chance 'cause, uh...
h-he's here.
What?
He's here in New Orleans?Yeah.
Yes, he is here. I'm sorry, I couldn't shake him.
He's like a goddamn deer tick.
Oh, my God.
He's not gonna try and pull some bullshit
out of The Graduate,is he?
[CHORTLES] You mean, like, fuck your mom?
You know what? I'm actually glad that he's here.
Because I can't go through this without him knowing.
Okay, sweetheart, look, why don't you just calm down?
We can tell him in a little while
when we're far way. What do you think?
Ben.
This is your best friend.
How could you treat him like this?
Where you going?
I'm gonna tell him.
You're too much of a pussy.
Okay. All right. All right.
You're right, okay? You're right. It's on me.
I said I would tell him. As soon as I get really drunk,
I will man up and tell him.
Okay? Maybe we can get something to eat first.
Okay, let's go get you some food.
And then you have to tell him.
Definitely. I'm gonna get really, really drunk.
And then, uh...
And then I'll-- Then I'll have something to eat...
and then maybe dessert.
And then...
Then we'll get some coffee.
And then-- And then I'll tell him.
You better.You sure you don't wanna do it
after the honeymoon?No, you have to tell him now.
Okay, I'm gonna tell him. All right.
♪ A fabricated Kind of romance♪
♪ Where sex and love Are bought and sold♪
♪ I only want you For the money♪
Uh... Yeah, I'm-- I'm good.
Ben.
Hey, Ben.
Ben.
[♪♪♪]
Holy shit.
SAM: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?
Uh...I saw Ben and Memphis talking.
And then he kissed her.
Well, so what? You know?
They're friends. Friends kiss.
On the mouth.
I mean, there was tongue, and teeth and fucking--
You're out of your mind.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, that's not them.
Yes, it is.
Look at her leg.
SAM: Know how I know that's not them?
She would never, ever cheat on her fiancé
before the wedding, never.
That's not her.
Jesus Christ,
get your head out of your ass.
That's not possible.
Yeah, well...
you didn't think he'd start boozing either, did you?
This is different.
Liar is a liar.
You taught me that.
You know, I see what you're trying to do here.
You're trying to make me forget this and go back,
so I don't make a fool of myself at the wedding tomorrow.
[PANTS]
[SNIFFS]
Please tell me that's what you're trying to do here.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
That's why he's pushing Allison on me all the time.
It's 'cause he wants me out of the picture.
Probably also why he's boozing.
I mean, can you imagine how much guilt
he's been living with.
I don't wanna fucking imagine
about how much guilt he's feeling.
You know? That's the problem with you.
You just jump immediately to the wrong thing.
He's my friend. And she was my wife, okay?
So I'm gonna worry about how the fuck
I'm feeling about it, what I think.
And you know what I think?
I think with that ring in your nose,
you look like a skinny hand grenade.
You're being a real fucking asshole.
Fuck you.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, what can I get you?
Uh...
Hey, buddy, you want something?
Yeah.
Bourbon, neat.
Thanks so much for hearing me out.
Yeah, whatever you want.
Next week, I'll bring a box
for the shoes in case it rains. Don't worry.
I'm not worried. I just thought it'd be fun
and fresh to put our footwear in bins.
We don't have to do it,
unless you think it's a good idea.
Whatever you want. I really gotta go though.
So just give me a heart hug?Oh, heart hug.
Yeah, okay. Yes, there it is. So good today.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hey, gang.What was that all about?
I was just talking.Talking?
That looked like a nice--
Looked like you were hugging.
It was a heart hug.
Hey, look, I've been coming
to these meetings for two months,
and Loudermilk has been a total dick to me.
This guy gets me. He likes me. He loved my "wet shoe box" idea.
You guys laughed at it,
but he thought it was fucking gold.
Loudermilk wasn't nice to you, but you kept coming.
Well, yeah, but I should wanna come
to these meetings. I shouldn't dread them.
You should wanna stay sober no matter what.
Yeah.
You know what, Loudermilk talks the talk,
but he walks the walk.
Yeah, that's just a cutesy way
of saying he's a fuckup.
Why don't you go fuck you?
Oh, shit, that's a good one, Oscar Wilde.
Fuck it.
Way to get him.
[♪♪♪]
[GAGGING]
[COUGHS]
Loudermilk?
SAM: What?Have you been--?
Hey, asshole. You didn't pay your tab.
It's cool. I'll get it. How much?
Fourteen dollars.SAM: What?
[COUGHS] For one shot?
Yeah, you're in New Orleans,
not Shreveport.
Drinks are cheap in Shreveport?
Why are you puking from one shot?
I knew it was a bad idea when I did it, so--
Dude, get your shit together.
You've been all up in my ass about staying on the wagon.
And here you are puking in an alley.
Hey! What do you not fucking understand?
My best friend is marrying the love of my life tomorrow.
And my dad blew his brains out!
Get over it.
Shit happens. Hurting yourself is easy,
and living is hard.
You told me that.
I said that?
I need better shit. That's not that helpful.
Come on, we gotta get you some rest,
so you can ruin a wedding tomorrow.
All right. Just let me get the barf off my pants.
You gotta start chewing more.
There's like a whole shrimp in there.
[SIGHS] Phew.
[♪♪♪]
[SNORING]
[BELLS RINGING]
If you're gonna go in, you better do it now.
It's about to start.
[SIGHS]
You shouldn't be here, Samuel.
No, it's okay. It's the groom
who's not supposed to see you before the wedding.
Well, then he wasn't supposed to do a lot of things.
Where's that humpty-dumpty piece of shit?
It's not Ben's fault.
We didn't mean for this to happen.
Yeah. You know that's what people always say
when they're fucking the wrong person.
But thank you for sparing me the soul-mate speech.
Hey, this is a church, asshole.
Well, then don't fucking swear.
Loudermilk, please, okay?
I just like talking to him.
Every time I called him, he was in such a good mood.
And I needed that.
Oh, my God. The phone thing?
That's an act.
He's-- He's not happy.
He's fucking miserable.
Have you spent any time with him?
I have.
And Ben is a good man,
and he's terrified of hurting you.
No, I'll tell you who Ben is, all right?
Ben's the kind of guy who would steal his best friend's wife.
I was your ex-wife when I met him.
Um.
There's something else you should know.
Ben started drinking again.
Yeah? So?
Well, then why would you wanna be with him?
Loudermilk's stone sober.
I mean, sort of.
I mean, he had a shot the other night,
but i-it's not a big deal, right?
He's-- He's a changed man.
I know. That's why we broke up.
I thought you broke up because of the accident.
No. Things happen.
People make mistakes. I know that.
But he was drunk.
So was I.
He only drove because I couldn't.
Look, we broke up because Loudermilk
overreacted to the accident.
All of a sudden, it was about sober days and meetings and...
apologizing to every single person he knew.
Look, that's your choice.
But I don't wanna live the way that you live.
What way?
Hiding from life.
I like to go out. I like bars.
I'm sorry if that sounds bad,
but it's the truth.
I'm not hiding.
I quit all that for you, for us.
Because I thought we needed
a little stability and a little sanity.
But stability wasn't what I wanted.
I wanted the man that I married.
MEMPHIS: Loudermilk, I'm sorry,
but I wanna live the way I wanna live.
Goodbye, Memphis.
♪ Last night♪
Nice dress.
♪ Dancing slow In turning light♪
♪ With you caught In my eye♪
♪ Well, twist your ankle Leave my side♪
♪ Goodnight...♪
Somehow I thought
you'd fight a little harder than that.
♪ Go laugh With all your friends...♪
Yeah, me too.
I'll meet you back at the room, okay?
What are you doing?
If the bride's here,
the groom's gotta be around somewhere.
Go on. Go get your stuff together. Let's--
We're gonna go home.
Okay.
Hey, I'm really sorry about last night. I--
You've been a rock for me this week.
So thanks.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
I'd offer to help, but you probably
don't want my hands around your neck.
Look, Sam.
Don't "Sam" me, asshole.
Did you really think you were
gonna be able to run off with my ex-wife
and get married and never tell me about it?
To be honest, that was the plan, yes.
I was also thinking about changing my identity.
I knew it would be tricky,
but I've always been fond of the name Rex Blanton.
Rex Blanton.
That's good. He sounds like a douche.
How could you do this?
No, hold on. Look, I didn't
do this to you, okay? I did it for me.
No, I mean, literally. How could you
do this and me not find out?
I-I'm impressed.
Come on, Sam. You're the center of your own universe.
There's a lot of things you don't see.
Fuck you. Don't pin this on me.
No, I-I'm just saying...
you got yourself wrapped up
in a lot of other people's lives.
Sometimes that makes it harder for you to see what's...
going on in your own life.
Goddamn it, Ben. I was counting on you.
Did you know that every morning when I wake up, I think:
"Oh, you know what, if Ben can stay clean,
I can stay clean."
And you lied to me about that. You lied to me about Memphis.
You lied about everything.
No, I did-- No, I didn't lie about it.
I knew it was a shitty to do and was morally reprehensible.
I did not lie. Yes, I did.
Actually, I lied. I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, Loudermilk.
Look, I-- I--
I've never had the sort of things that you had.
A marriage.
Someone to love me that I could love.
A soul mate.
Oh, God.
You had to fucking say it, didn't you?
Just shut up, okay? Please? Just for a second.
Let me talk. Just listen to me.
Look, my whole life...
I've been the guy that nobody noticed.
I'm 6'3", 275 pounds, you know, when I'm in shape.
And still, I'm completely invisible.
Well, I'm fucking tired of it.
I-- I needed this.
She make-- She makes me feel...
adored.
And-- And I-- And I hurt you.
And-- And that makes me a piece of shit.
F-- For the first time in my life,
I feel like I actually have a shot...
at real happiness.
You know, at least for a while.
So I took it.
You wanna hit me?
Why don't you hit me?
I mean it, why don't you give me just one shot.
A good hard one.
That's fucking childish.
Is it? It would make me feel a whole lot better.
Would it?Yeah.
Yeah?Yeah.
That'd make you feel better?
Sure.Really?
Yes.
All right.
Fire when ready.
How does this make you feel?
Way, way worse.
Good.
Goodbye, Ben.
Hey, you two deserve each other.
Come on, don't-don't be like that.
No, no, no. I mean, in a good way.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, I set your car on fire.
[LAUGHS]
[SIREN WAILING]
No! Son of a--
Fuck!
[♪♪♪]
Knock knock.
You're back.Yep.
I was worried about you guys. How was your trip?
It was a...
fucking ball.
How about you? How was your, uh--?
How are you?
Pretty good. Where's Ben?
Uh...
He stayed in New Orleans.
Is he coming back?
No.
No, he's not.
Is he okay?
[SIGHS]
Ben's moved on.
He was kind of a bullshit friend,
and I-I don't really wanna talk about him.
I'm mailing him his stuff, so...
Okay.
I, um...
I have some extra moving boxes if you need 'em.
[GRUNTS]
I found a sublet closer to Carl's place,
so I'm heading over there at the end of the month.
[CHUCKLES] Why are you telling me?
Because I thought you'd like to know.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Here.Ahem.
I can't keep your last copy.
I don't want that back. I gave that to you.
Th-That's yours. I gave that to you.
And now I'm returning it.
Circle of life.
I, uh, wish you and Dr. Heimlock have a wonderful life together.
And I hope someday you grow up and stop being a dry drunk.
Okay, so is this the part now where you tell me
that if I was a nicer person, I'd have a lot of friends
and bad things wouldn't happen to me?
My life would just be blowjobs and daffodils?
[SIGHS]
Goddamn it.
Hey, you want me to be real?
You want me to really, really be real?
I have fake bags of garbage that I'll take downstairs,
hoping to run into you, so we talk for a couple minutes,
even if it's just you telling me what an asshole I am.
I sat in that lobby with that record player
for about two and a half hours,
with my key in the mailbox waiting for you to get home.
I have mixed feelings about it
because your taste in music is fucking dreadful.
There's really nothing to be done about that.
Your boyfriend is a coward,
not because he froze when that guy was choking,
which he did.
But because he's got you moving near him,
but he doesn't have you moving in with him,
and I think that sucks.
And if you do go,
my stomach is gonna hurt
for a very, very long time.
So my stomach would appreciate it if you didn't go.
And I would appreciate it too.
'Cause you standing here in this hallway
is about the only real thing in my life right now.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH PANTING]
CUTTER: You're making no fucking sense.
GARRET: Listen. This is a very important part.
When you're up, you shimmy-shimmy down.
And that's how you get over the obstacle of the--
[IMITATES DRINKING] You wanna-- But you're not gonna.
You want that warmth, that blanket.
So you might reach for that bottle,
maybe that glass dick.
Sucking on that glass dick, right?
And I get it. But you can't.
You can't go to the dick. You can't go to the bottle.
[CHUCKLES]
You gotta go in the heart...Samuel.
Oh, hey, Mike.
I see New Guy finally got his shoe box.
I trust you're not here
to make a scene.No.
Just to eavesdrop.
I see you got someone else in there running things.
Well, what'd you expect?
Group had to continue.
How's he doing?
He shows up on time.
He doesn't shout at the group.
He never uses the word "cunt."
In point of fact,
he follows all the rules to a T.
You shimmy-shoot, you shimmy-shoot.
And then you pop out, you pop out, you pop out.
That's how it works.
What the fuck am I looking at?
Listen to me. Listen.
That's good.
I just really came here to, uh, clear up
the thing about me flaking on you.
You mean to apologize?
However you wanna put it.
Well, I appreciate it.
CUTTER: This is a bunch of fucking bullshit.
GARRET: Cutter, listen to me.I should, uh--
I should go have a look at that.
Yeah, I'll see you around, Mike.
GARRET: God forbid you listen for two seconds!
We have neighbors.
It's unacceptable to have
that noise in here, you understand?
I do understand, Father. I apologize.
I had broken into a little ditty,
which was an obvious trigger for--
He's making all the fucking noise.
Hey, it's Loudermilk.
Any of you fuckups wants to really get better,
you come find me.
Hey, take your shoes off!
[♪♪♪]
♪ I'm gonna die alone♪
♪ Really alone♪
♪ I'm gonna die alone♪
♪ Yeah, really alone♪
♪ I'm gonna die alone♪
♪ Got away with so much For years♪
♪ It's bound to catch up♪
♪ And I'm ready for tears To fall down♪
♪ Down my face Down my lips♪
♪ Without a trace♪
♪ Got me feelin' Like this♪
♪ I know that I'mma pray♪
♪ Pray for the night I lose my life♪
♪ To the devil inside♪
♪ I hope that I ride On a silver tide♪
♪ That keeps me inside And safely out of sight♪
♪ I'm gonna die alone♪
♪ Yeah, really alone♪