[♪♪♪]
SAM: Dad?
What are you doing here?
I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying, but I missed you.
So guess what? My dad's in town.
I know. I may have told him that you were at the church.
Why would you do that?
You know he's one of my triggers.
SAM: No, come on. Not here.
Sorry, but someone's sleeping on the couch.
SAM: Dad, please.Oh, yeah.
I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk,
but my couch is, like, three feet long.
Okay, couch is good.
ALLISON: How is Ben doing?
Uh, he's good, you know.
Being Ben. Heh, heh. Why?
Look what I found hiding under the couch.
That's not mine.
Bullshit. Who's is it then?
♪ 'Fore we go any further Remember you said ♪
♪ That you wanted into my bed And you never cared ♪
♪ What I was doing When you wasn't there ♪
Hey.
Hey!
What time is it?
[MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY FROM HEADPHONES]
Uh. 5:55.
A.m. or p.m.?
P.m.
Hm.
♪ I ain't got no time
♪ If you need love Then I'm your ♪
♪ But if you're trippin' I ain't with ya ♪
♪ I ain't got no time
♪ No, I ain't got no time
♪ Come on, I wanna Baby, remember... ♪
Thanks for meeting me, man.
Sure. Yeah, no prob. What--
Everything okay?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I just have a couple things I wanna--
[SIGHS]
--talk about. Excuse me, um, sir.
Would you mind just moving over a seat
so we can sit together?
Yeah, sure.
My good deed for the day.
[SAM & BEN LAUGH]
Really?
Yeah? That's it?
Y-you move over a seat to the right,
and that's your good-deed quota for the day?
So you're done now?
Well, no. I'll probably do something better. I--
No, no, no. You've done enough.
You're like a diner Gandhi, really.
Think if everybody followed your shining example,
what a world it would be?
It'd be the same shithole it is now,
but we'd all be sitting two feet to the right.
You know what?
Fuck you.
♪ Oh, Lord, I've seen everyone ♪
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
So what was this big thing you want to talk about?
Yeah, um, listen.
Lately, I've been, um--
[SNIFFS]
Hey, you know what, it's not important.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, the North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby? ♪
♪ Won't you come to me?"
[PHONE BUZZES, RINGS]
Yeah, what's up?
DONNY: Question: when's the last time you got laid?
Answer: six minutes from now,
unless you're into foreplay, then make it eight.
Ha, ha, what are you talking about?
I'm on my way over.
Got two frisky doves, and I need a wingman pronto.
No, no, not tonight.
I-I gotta finish these Voluptuous pitches.
My presentation is on Monday.
Uh, you're not hearing me.
These girls are primed and ready.
I got them both sitting on a roll of Brawny
to keep my feet dry.
Jeez. Uh, hold on. I'm getting another call.
Hello.CUTTER: Hey, wanted to see
how you're doing.
Big day today. That step eight's a doozy, right?
Certainly unexpected.
So everything cool?
Yeah, everything's good.
I'm at home, working on my computer.
I'm feeling strong. So--
So you wanna do a midnight meeting?
Nope. No. I'm on a deadline.
Uh, like I said, lots of work to do.
Good work today on the healing, man.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Hey, Donny?
Hey, hey, hey!
My brother from another motherfucker!
Uh, Kristy and, uh, uh, Jill.
This is Tom.
Hi.
Do you got some tequila?
Ah! I'm all over it.
[WOMEN GIGGLE]
What are you doing?
I'm getting us laid.
What are you drinking?
Sprite. I'm working.
Let me put a lime in your drink
so it looks like you're drinking something real.
Drunk chicks don't like to be
around guys who aren't drinking.
They feel judged.
[♪♪♪]
CUTTER: Hm.
Yeah, that's what you call working, huh, Tom?
DONNY: Okay.
All right.
Here's your gin-and-tonic, Tomassio.
A double, as requested,
and as required by law in some parts of Texas.
Son of a bitch.
[UNEVEN, OUT-OF-TUNE GUITAR STRUMMING]
Oh, my God. It's you.
I thought maybe David Gilmour was having a stroke.
You know those rolled up balls of rage
at the end of your arms?
You could use those to knock on doors.
Who are you?
Who am I? Who are you?
This is Lizzy, Carl's niece.
She's visiting for the weekend.
SAM: Oh, where's Carl?
He's at the hospital.
It's classic Uncle Carl, huh?
Because he's never there for anybody.
Only his suffering patients.
Lizzy and I were having a jam sesh.
Lizzy, this is Loudermilk.
Wow, what a horrible name.
Wow, what a horrible kid.
Okay, so go on, Loudermilk.
How do we sound?
Give us your professional rock critic opinion.
Uh, well. Okay.
Over here you got musicians who are good, they sound good.
Here you got musicians who sound bad, and they're bad,
but, you know, they've got potential.
So we have potential?
Well, let me finish.
Over here you have some musicians
that are just completely hopeless. That's you guys.
He's just joking, honey.
What do I care?
He thinks R.E.M.'s Monster album was an outrage.
"Noise" is what he called it.
I called it "noise"?
You said it was "clunky."
Well, yeah, it is clunky.
Especially it's clunky if you compare it
to the previous two albums,
which are both masterpieces, right?
You gonna explain the distortion to me?
Which I get for a song,
but it's there the whole damn album?
And the lyrics are Hollywood as shit
'cause it sounds like Stipe had just--
Hey, h-how do you know what I said about that?
I read your book.
Uh.
What's your name?
Lizzy.
You read mybook?
Yes, do I have to repeat everything twice to you?
Okay, well, uh, it looks like
we have some practicing to do, so see you.
All right. Hey, listen.
Forget what I said earlier, okay?
Just keep it up.
Uh, you know, when George Harrison
was your age, he--
Nah, actually,
he was already a virtuoso guitarist, never mind.
And when John Lennon was your age, he was already dead.
Yeah.
All right.
[♪♪♪]
You seem sad.
Did your girlfriend just dump you
and you got fired or something?
No, no. I'm not sad.
Seriously, hon?
Nothing horrible happened?
Did your mom die?No.
Dad?No.
Do you have cancer?
No, no.
I'm fine, okay?
I've just been working all night. That's it.
This is me happy.
You wanna fuck?
Oh. Yeah, o-okay.
There's only one bedroom though, and they're in it.
Hold this.
♪ ...non-stop. Where you at? Who you with? Where you from? ♪
♪ We get it poppin' Non-stop ♪
Oh. Ahem.
♪ ...where you from?
♪ We get it poppin' Non-stop ♪
♪ Where you at? Who you with? ♪
[MOANS]
♪ Hey
This isn't what it looks like.
So you're not holding two drinks in your hand,
and getting a BJ?
Okay, it's mostly what it looks like,
but I have not been drinking.
Right, like you're gonna bang this coke-whore sober?
Hey.Hey, hey.
Hey, wait, wait, did you just break my door down?
Jesus, this is pure petro.
I hope you're cool having blood on your hands
when this guy pulls a Buddy Holly,
and drowns in his own puke.
You know, I'm just gonna go in the other room
with my friends.
You don't--
♪ ...non-stop
♪ Where you at? Who you with? Where you from? ♪
♪ We get it poppin'
Uh, come on, Cutter.
I have not had a drink.
Stop the lies.
Okay. Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
Yeah, you want to breathalyze me? Go ahead.
[TASER BUZZES][TOM WHINES]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, thanks for the lift.
I'll see you tonight.
[GRUNTS]
I'm gonna come in with you.
You're going to mymeeting?Yeah.
What, you checking up on me?
Nah, I mean, I know that your dad was just here,
so that's a bit of a trigger. Plus, I--
[SIGHS]
--wanted to make sure I work on my sobriety muscles.
I don't want them to atrophy like my calves.
Look at these. Look at these things.
They used to be something.
Now they're sticks. What is that?
Looks pretty good to me.
Nah, not what it used to be.
So here's what's bugging me about these meetings.
I feel like none of you guys ever talks
about the good part of drinking.
There is no good part of drinking.
It always ends badly.
Yeah, I know, dude.
But it's not all bad,
or else we wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Young blood's got a point.
I don't want to hear this.
Who are you working for? Seagram's?
Somebody else talk.
SAM: No, no, let's hear Cisco out.
Okay? There might be something in this.
I don't know.
It just feels like if we act like
the good part of drinking completely doesn't exist,
it's just like we're kind of--
Living in denial?
Well, Cisco's right.
There are some good parts of drinking.
Name one.
Okay.
When you're having a few beers at the footy with your dad,
and he turns around, and he smiles.
He's had a hard life, you know, your dad.
But today...
Today's all good.
Okay, okay, well, that's one thing.
There's more.
Ten o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday,
when you open up that first beer, the sound it makes:
[IMITATES OPENING CAN]
STEVIE: Ha-ha-ha.
I really miss having wine with my pasta.
Mm, or eating shrooms, and reading some Tolkien.
Waking up in the morning
in a whorehouse...
There's beauty in that.
You know what I miss?
Drunk driving.
You don't miss that.MUGSY: I do.
Especially the, uh, early years, high school.
When it wasn't about the booze.
It was about the freedom.
You know? It was so new.
Remember that 6:00 feeling?
It's daylight out, and you're going out.
Anything is possible.
Yeah, you're like Jack Kerouac, attacking the night.
Yeah.
And you and your friends, you all have a six-pack of beer.
You have a half a pint of blackberry brandy.
The tunes are cranking.
You're passing the bones around.
You d-- You don't know where you're going,
but you know it's gonna be great.
SAM: Okay, yeah, sure.
And--
And we have to remember that Kerouac died at age 47,
when his stomach burst
because he was drinking
all that whiskey at 11:00 in the morning.
Where'd Ben go?
[♪♪♪]
♪ They call me A little wound-up ♪
♪ See, I'm upset because I've always been stuck ♪
♪ But I don't know what It is I'm without ♪
♪ Guess I'm in love with--
[STATIC CRACKLING]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[BEN SIGHS]
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah. I'm good. Just a little shaken up.
Oh, jeez, that was a close one, huh?
HOMELESS MAN: You're not kidding.
Yeah. Oh. Okay. Phew.
All right.
Wow, I am really sorry about that.
Boy, oh, boy. You got everything?
Okay. You take it easy.
Here, look. I'll tell you what.
Let me give you...
[SIGHS, SNIFFS]
[PANTING]
...a little something for your trouble.
Um, I think we should exchange information.
Hm?
I-I'd like to see your license,
proof of insurance?
[LAUGHING]
Are you serious?
Sorry, but I have been burned before, sir, heh.
If I don't have your information,
then my insurance company may not cover this.
Cover what? You're fine. Your bottles and cans are fine.
Can't we just say no harm, no foul?
What about my vehicle?
What vehicle? I mean, this is a--
It's a shopping cart.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ok-okay, sir.
I know we've both been through a great ordeal here.
But I need you to keep the tone down.
Okay, I tell you what.
How about, uh, 40 bucks, and we'll call it a day?
There's no point discussing money
until we've done a thorough walk-around
and assessed the damage.
I don't remember seeing that dent there before.
What are you talking about?
This thing's covered in rust.
The dent's probably been there for years.
Have you been drinking, sir?
What? No.
No, of course not. A hundred bucks.
I think we should call the police,
let them sort this out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's call the police. We'll get them out here.
We'll sort you out.
Let me just-- Oh, rats.
You know what? I don't have my cell phone on me, so--
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Siri, call the police.
No, Siri, don't. Give me that.
Calling emergency services in five seconds.
Okay, there.
Wow, that is a sticky phone.
Look, I'm not trying to get rich here.
I just want my property repaired.
You know what? This isn't your property.
It belongs to Safeway.
Oh, again, sir, tone.
All right. You know what?
How about I give you a ride over to Whole Foods.
Trade this in. We'll get you a fancy new cart.
What do you say?Ha, ha.
I'm not getting in a car with you.
You have been drinking.
Now, I'd like to see your papers.
Okay. I'm just gonna go into my glove compartment,
and get them for you.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, hey. You.
What the fuck?
[PANTING]
No, no, no.
[SNIFFS]
[GRUNTS]
Hello?
Help me, please.
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God.
Somebody help me!
[GRUNTING]
[CAR APPROACHING]
Hey, hey, pork snout.
You okay? You don't look so good.
No, no, I'm great.
Ha, ha, that's the attitude.
I thought you were gonna be upset.
About what?
I mean, look at me.
I got trees, and all this mist, and--
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's go back inside.
We got some things to figure out.
Why the hell you'd do that?
Son of a bitch.
[YELLS]
CUTTER: Get in there.
Ow!
Jeez. Wait.
What's this?
You've been snooping through my stuff?
No. No. I was just looking for a pen.
Did you see a picture of the dead guy?
No, no. Just pictures of living people.
Don't lie to me!
That's your disease talking.
Ugh. Okay, maybe I saw that.
Is that Ollie?No.
The guy in the picture is me.
Mm-hm.
But your throat is completely cut open.
It's special effects makeup.
I was undercover in a biker gang for a couple years.
When it came time for me to get out,
I had to fake my death.
It looks real.Thanks.
I did my own makeup.
Um, ahem, so--
Why did you handcuff me in a trailer against my will?
I didn't want you to wake up half-cocked,
and run out there into the jungle.
You get lost out there, you die.
Who's that guy back there?
That guy's my mom.
Mom, wake up. We got company.
Are you sure she's okay?
Oh, yeah.
She's one of those real deep REM sleepers.
Ma![POUNDING ON CUPBOARD]
Come on. Wake up.
Ow!
What the fuck?
Oh, yeah.
You banged your head pretty good
when I zapped you.
I had to sew you up to stop the bleeding.
Is this dental floss?
Mint flavor.
It acts as a natural antiseptic.
Don't worry. It wasn't used.
Um...
Cutter, I don't know how to say this, but your mom's dead.
Hey, would you stop it?
I told you she's a deep sleeper.
Why isn't she breathing?
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
What the fuck?I'm so sorry.
Why'd you sucker-punch my mom?
I-I-- Sorry, I didn't mean to.
She snuck up on me. She scared the crap out of me!
Easy, easy.
I am so sorry, ma'am.
Ma'am, I would never--
Okay. Easy.
[CUTTER'S MOM GAGGING]
I got you.
[MOANING]
Are you okay, mama bear?
I-I think he cracked my damn rib.
You gotta get control of your demons, man.
[CRYING]
Hitting a woman?
What happened to that dental floss
I was drying out on the antlers?
Hmm.
Maybe it was used.
♪ Many of them...
LIZZY: I have a question.
Shoot.
What's the point of critics?
Hmph.
Well, the point of critics
is that in the pure diarrhea that is pop culture,
you need somebody who's gonna be able
to find and curate the hidden gems.
And that's my job.
Well, that was my job.
I gotta figure out and understand what
that artist is trying to do, and then inform others.
Of your opinion.
♪ ...into your heart again So many things... ♪
Yeah.
I don't understand how that's a career.
The true value of art lies in the artist,
not the guy who judges them.
Your whole job is superfluous,
and is based on your own interpretation.
Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that.
Doesn't sound that complicated to me.
SAM: Really?
Let me critique you.
I'll show you how easy it is.
Yeah, go for it.
You think you're so cool
because you got to hang with rock stars in their prime.
But the truth is that didn't even make you happy,
nothing did.
You probably don't even like being a critic.
And secretly you wanted to be a rock star,
but you didn't have the balls and/or confidence to go for it.
Now you're living your life the exact same way,
waiting for your dreams to come to you
instead of getting them yourself.
You'd make a terrific critic.
I need a muffin.
♪ ...kissing in the sky
She's just a kid.
She's a smart little fucker.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hmph.
[GRUNTS]
Yeah?
♪ ...without you moving in
What?
♪ Moonlight will guide you
[SIGHS]
No, I'm on my way.
♪ ...to your heart again
I'm sorry. I gotta go. Ben got arrested.
For what?
He didn't say.
I bet it's a DUI.
No, Ben doesn't drink.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.
I think I would know if Ben was drinking.
He's my sponsor. That's why I live with the guy.
Well, sponsee, I think you might
wanna open your eyes a little wider.
♪ Ooh
[♪♪♪]
Are we not closing the door anymore?
What the fuck?
Idiot.
What are you doing?
♪ Last night Dancing slow ♪
♪ In turning light
♪ With you caught in my eye
♪ Twist your ankle
Why would you go to Memphis
for a wedding in New Orleans?
♪ Good night, I'm tossing In the towel again ♪
♪ Go laugh with All your friends ♪
SAM: DUI and a hit and run?
I'm surprised they let you out on bail actually.
Why didn't you tell me you were having problems?
I could've helped.
I tried to talk to you at the diner,
but you started picking a fight with the pie guy.
I didn't pick a fight with the pie guy.
I pointed out that moving down one seat
didn't make him Mother Teresa.
Okay, I wanted to talk,
but then I couldn't, so whatever.
Oh, okay, so it's my fault?
That's good. Okay. Okay.
Why do you always do that?
Why do you make it a "you" thing?
This is-- This is about me, Sam.
No one else.
I don't know.
I think, uh, maybe I should just go
far away for a while.Definitely.
I'll call Action-House in the morning.
See if they have any beds.
No, I can't afford rehab right now.
I bet they'll cut us a deal.
I don't want to go to rehab.
I just wanna go away and clear my head.
You know, I was thinking--
I don't know. Maybe someplace hot.
Or, I don't know, New Orleans, maybe.
Something like that.
New Orleans?
Aren't they doing Mardi Gras right around now?
I-- Maybe. I don't know. I'm not sure.
I don't think they really do that anymore.
They don't make it a big deal since Katrina.
Okay.
Yeah, no, no, sure, sure, sure.
I just wanted to make sure you're not going for that.
Where did you get this?
In the safe under your bed.
What the fuck were you doing in my safe?
What the fuck are you doing not telling me
my ex-wife's getting married?
Well, look at you!
Because I didn't want you to freak out.
Why would you think I would freak out?
Huh?
And why did she even invite you?
You hardly know her.
We're friends on Facebook.
What?
Sin-- Wha--
Since when?
Since she started checking up on you, like a year ago.
Wait a minute, Me-Memphis checks up on me?
Yeah, a lot.
She always wants to make sure you're doing okay.
Why would you not tell me that, Ben?
Well--
She told me not to.
And I didn't want to betray that.
She's my friend.
Hey! Asshole!
I'm your friend!
She's your friend's ex-wife.
Friend, friend's ex-wife!
Since when do you give a shit about Memphis so much?
A minute ago, you were trying to fuck Allison. You remember her?
Maybe I'm trying to fuck Allison so I can get over Memphis.
Don't you know anything about love?
TOM: Please listen to me, Cutter.
I have an important meeting--
What is that baby powder smell?
You shit yourself when I tased you,
but I cleaned you up.
You're welcome.
Oh, I'm sorry for not thanking you
for making me shit myself.
I had to do something to get you away
from that temptation.
A few days out here will clear your head.
A few days? No, no, no. You don't understand.
I have waited my whole career for this.
This is my big break.
No, this, what happens right here, right now,
thisis your big break.
[EXHALES LOUDLY]
Besides, I took care of work.
What?
I called Reardon at home,
and told them you were having a major meltdown.
W-w-why? Why did you do that?
I also called your boss at the vodka company.
Are you crazy?
I don't-- I don't work at the vodka company.
Oh. That's why she seemed a little weirded out.
Fuck this shit!
Hey!
No, no, no!
Hey!No, no!
Look, you're gonna fall in line with the program,
or I'm gonna cuff you to the toilet.
Your choice.
One thing's for sure, I'm not gonna lose you
like I lost Ollie.
You don't understand, man.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Stop it!
Stop it right now for your own good.
No, you stop it.
Listen, I've tried to explain this, okay?
My asshole boss is the one who got the DUI.
[TASER BUZZING][TOM YELLING]
Shh...
It's all gonna be okay, baby bird.
It's all gonna be okay.
[♪♪♪]